A Three-Part Series on: How to Give a Highly Effective, Heartfelt, Honest Apology in Seven Simple Steps
Part One: How Apologies Can Heal the World
“If somebody chooses to be vulnerable enough to tell you that they feel like you’ve hurt them, you don’t get to decide whether you did or you didn’t because it's how they feel—irrelevant to you agreeing or disagreeing with that feeling. So, if you don’t respond to them in a humble and caring manner and validate that person’s feelings, irrelevant to you believing they’re right or wrong, don’t be surprised if you lose them in the process because you are potentially being prideful and selfish with your need to be ‘right.’” —@iamadamhamill51 (remix with @SageWords2027)
“Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” … if you’re a psychopath.
There are two kinds of apologies: the “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day” apology and the “I’m sorry I’m the cause of your bad day” apology.
I lovingly refer to the former as “The Canadian Apology.” Canada is famous for their “sorry” expressions. My daughter accidentally bumped into someone in Winnipeg and the other person apologized to her. The world would be a gentler, kinder place if more people knew how and when to apologize. A simple, "I'm sorry" for the harm someone else is suffering can go a long way.
My salty name for the latter is, “The American Apology.” Unfortunately, it takes more than the two-word phrase, “I’m sorry” to effectively apologize for being the harm someone causes. Too often people use the former “I’m sorry” to justify the latter actions which usually amounts to little more than a performative gesture.
This three part series breaks down the seven simple steps to an effective apology, why apologies matter, how they have the capacity to end shame and heal the world, who should and should not apologize, and three examples of an effective apology:
An apology for missing a special event
A Cancel Culture apology
An apology for ghosting someone you were in a committed relationship with
A true apology is an acknowledgment of the hurt caused, followed by an act of repair, and it requires that we:
1. Name it
2. Claim it
3. Shame it
4. Explain it
5. Tame it
6. Reframe it
and
7. Gain it
Part three includes a more in-depth description of what each of these instructional “it” steps is and why they matter.
Know What You’re Apologizing For and Be Specific
Before you apologize, make sure you know what you are apologizing for. Some people apologize for things they think have offended others while ignoring the heart of the pain that has been caused. If you’re not sure, start by asking, “How have I offended or hurt you, and what can I do to right my wrongs?”
Sample Apology Outline
(Name it) I did (explain what you did that you’re apologizing for).
(Claim it) I was wrong.
(Shame it) I know my actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused. I recognize my mistake. I feel regret, and I have remorse.
(Explain it) I was too absorbed in my own feelings to consider yours.
(Tame it) I will not make the same mistake again. If I had a do-over, this is what would I have done differently; and next time I will. (Explain how you would do it differently).
(Reframe it) What action can I take to help rectify the situation, to make amends?
(Gain it) Will you please forgive me?”
Why Apologies Matter
The mark of spiritual evolution and human mastery is recognizing our mistakes and correcting them. When we take responsibility for our mistakes, we no longer feel the need to defend them. We are conditioned to blame others to defend our poor choices or bad behavior. When we stop feeling the need to defend ourselves, we often stop feeling the need to blame or control others. Much of the harm caused in the world today stems from a need to shift blame, or overpower others to feel a sense of control. If people were to practice the art of the apology and find peace in their imperfect humanity, and empowerment in taking ownership to change, perhaps their need to blame and punish others would diminish. I see the apology as one of many ingredients in the salve to mending most of the issues I’ve written about including: income inequality, gun rights/control, and reproductive/medical freedoms. Shame breeds in the darkness of unspoken words of accountability that are in search of forgiveness. Knowing how to apologize can remove shameful feelings and as a result, shameful behaviors—leading to a happier, healthier, more healed society.
Accusations
When we fail to take accountability for our mistakes (missed takes), we miss an opportunity to embrace growth and to be in alignment with our core values. Imagine someone comes to you, and in an accusatory tone and says, “Why did you do that?” How does that feel in your body? The first thing we may experience is a sense of shame and fear that we did something wrong. If we start explaining or justifying our behavior, we go into defense mode; and our body stiffens. We might shift the blame to another as a survival mechanism. If we do this enough times, we can become experts at blame shifting, deflection, and redirection. We rob ourselves of the honor of taking radical responsibility. Instead of blaming others, we can relax into acceptance, take a moment to consider why we did what we did, and consider if we’re guilty of what we’re being accused of. It’s part of the human experience to make mistakes. When we can accept that, it’s so much easier and empowering to come clean, apologize, and move on than it is to perpetually shift blame to others, which is a very dishonest, exhausting, and disempowering place to be.
Blame, the Roadblock to an Effective Apology
When we feel the need to blame others, it’s usually for one of four reasons:
1. They are not living up to our unmet expectations, which we failed to communicate, or they failed to commit to. That’s on us. We can choose to communicate our expectations or choose to address and not accept their lack of commitment.
2. We are judging them by our standards or based on erroneous information or gossip. That’s also on us. Why are we judging other people? If we don’t like someone, we don’t have to engage with them. Judging is on us.
3. They did something thoughtless, because humans are imperfect beings, and their lack of consideration hurt our feelings. Their thoughtlessness is on them. Learning to either accept them for who they are, grow together through change, or move on from the relationship, is on us.
4. They did something to intentionally cause us harm, because they have contempt for us or resentment toward us. This is 100% on them; and if we stay in a dysfunctional, petty, and abusive relationships like this, it’s 100% on us.
One of the best tools for life, that we can learn, is to let go of blaming others, take radical responsibility for our own actions, and learn how to give an effective apology.
When To Apologize
The time to apologize is when you make a mistake that has inconvenienced others, that has hurt someone’s feelings, or that has caused harm to another person, place, or thing either intentionally or unintentionally. A proper apology demonstrates that a person can take ownership, is emotionally mature, has integrity, and cares enough to learn to do better, for themselves, their loved ones, and their community through accountability and a commitment to behavioral modification.
Who Should Apologize
Everyone. No one should be above the law, above reproach, above an apology. Being human and having relationships, from personal to professional, requires that we all learn how to apologize. Especially people in power, and people who want to be in power, must know how to say, “I’m sorry.” Adults, children, teachers, doctors, lawyers, rabbis, priests, athletes, entertainers, politicians, judges, presidents, authority figures, family, friends, bosses, employees…everyone needs to know how to give a proper apology. To apologize is a strength not a weakness. It’s the courage to embrace humility, right a wrong, and respect humanity.
Model Behavior
In looking at an example of an effective seven step apology, one might give an eyeroll as to the likelihood of ever receiving one, until we consider the historical success of monkey see, monkey do. We don’t need to wait for others to attain enlightened self-awareness before expecting them to behave as if they have, we just have to model for them what it looks like and demonstrate a social expectation that they respond in kind.
How Often to Apologize
Most of the time, we only need to apologize once for each mistake we make. Sometimes roads need to be repaved to be maintained, especially during perennial triggers. If we repeatedly exclude someone from family events, claiming that we just don’t think to include them, it’s likely that future events might require a tad more sensitive awareness. A simple acknowledgement of, “I’m sorry for my mistakes of the past, and I’m so grateful we have been able to move on. Thank you for being in my life and celebrating with us,” can go a long way.
People Who Don’t Apologize
A lack of empathy often equals a lack of remorse. There are four primary types of people I have come across in my life, who rarely, if ever, apologize or who have issues with apologizing: narcissists, sociopaths, and people with either devastatingly low self-worth or bone-crushing pride (denial). Neither a narcissist nor a sociopath is in the habit of apologizing because they arrogantly think nothing is ever their fault. People with low self-worth don’t apologize because they foolishly think apologizing is a sign of weakness. They hear, “I’m sorry” as synonymous with being a sorry person, a loser. They are grossly mistaken. These are efforts to guard the fragility of their identity, and the precious volatility of their easily wounded egos. People filled with pride hide under denial: they never have to admit the fault they refuse to even acknowledge. Too much pride, a belief in one’s own goodness (or justifications), can cloud the judgment of one’s own weakness. No one is perfect. It’s just as important to know where we fail as it is to know where we succeed.
As soon as I see that taking ownership and apologizing is a problem for someone, I distance myself from them emotionally. Many people, who no longer apologize, were once people who apologized too much. They think they have healed themselves from apologizing too much by choosing never to apologize again. They have swung their pendulum too far to the other side. It’s a novice wisdom to go to the extremes to find the middle when the middle is a place you never find or land on. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t apologize means that the balance of burden will never be equal. If you make a conscious choice to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t apologize, you are making a conscious choice to carry the extra burden that relationship will bring. I implore you to especially not get into business or love relationships with people who can’t apologize or who say, “I’m sorry” too easily and do not mean it. This can lead to the type of exhaustive pain a chronic health condition creates. Maintaining a relationship with anyone who is incapable of taking ownership is a perpetual thorn in one’s side. Don’t trust people who can’t admit when they are wrong or say, “I’m sorry.” It’s a red flag for chaos to come.
The Empty Apology
One of the great relationship lies is the empty apology. Some people are truly incapable of feeling regret. They say the words, “I’m sorry;” but they don’t take them to heart. If this is you, be honest with yourself and others. Find the courage to admit to those you hurt, “I can say I am sorry, but I don’t mean it.” Give people the opportunity to believe you when you tell them who you are so that they know exactly who they are dealing with.
Don’t Make Excuses for People
If you have to make excuses for the people in your life who don’t apologize, it’s likely because they have taught you that poor behavior is excusable. Excuse makers are created and tolerated by fellow excuse makers. People with integrity and honor don’t make excuses; they make it right. A dozen excuses could be saved with a single apology. The only time you want to give to an excuse maker is closing time, as you point them to the nearest exit.
People Who Apologize Too Much
People who constantly say, “I’m sorry” can be almost as problematic as those who never do. Everything is not your fault. Save your apologies for when you make an earnest mistake. If you find yourself compelled to apologize multiple times a day, stop! Try a seven-day diet from unnecessary apologizing. Examine your need for reassurance and approval. When you say, “I’m sorry,” what is it you are sorry for? Has that become a blanket statement you have grown accustomed to saying to prevent someone from being upset with you? Do you perpetually say, “I’m sorry” because you need to continually hear, “It’s okay,” “There’s no problem,” or “We’re good?” When you take away the option to use “I’m sorry” as punctuation, you will start to hear whatever it is you really mean and need to say in that moment like, “I’m feeling vulnerable and need to give myself the reassurance I seek from others,” or “I’m not sorry but I know that’s what you expect to hear and I’m willing to say it so that I can end this exchange. What I really want to say is, ‘(Fill in the blank. Say what you mean and mean what you say).’”
Please don’t apologize just so that someone will not be upset with you. If you did nothing wrong but take up space in this world with an unconventional belief or behavior that neither caused harm to you or another but triggered someone else emotionally, you do not need to apologize. You have a right to be you, and the person whose feathers get ruffled by you also has a right to their emotional reaction. Let them have their feelings, just as you have yours. If they accuse you of causing harm, examine that and apologize if necessary. If they merely expect an apology because you being you gave them reason to clutch their pearls, then it’s an opportunity for them to learn to sit with discomfort and process their feelings.
Don’t accept abuse, but do accept that people can be angry with you. Unless and until they have the courage to share that, it’s none of your business. People may have many feelings about us, most of which they process on their own, because their feelings are their responsibility, not ours. Learn to be okay with people’s anger toward you. Either it will pass, or they will pass—right out of your life. Don’t be concerned with making sure everyone likes you. You don’t need or want everyone to like you. You don’t have time for that many friends anyway; no one does. We don’t want the people who don’t deserve our time to like us. It’s best if they just keep on keeping on their own path and stay away from ours. We can’t please all the people all the time; and if we are, it means we are doing something wrong and being inauthentic.
Authentic people will always have people who love them and people who don’t. Authenticity is a mirror and not everyone in the world wants to see their true reflection. Write a space into your life for people who don’t like you—it gives you permission to be more fully your truest self. If you expect certain people to reject you right off the bat, it takes off any pressure to win their acceptance votes. You do not need anyone’s approval to be who you are or were born to be. As long as you are neither hurting yourself or others, be you; and know that no matter who you are or how you show up in the world, someone will be triggered and criticize and reject you, and someone will be inspired and praise and encourage you, all for the exact same action you take. The more true you are to yourself, the more likely you are to find those who will be true to you.
When Not To Apologize
You need not apologize for being you, if who you are isn’t harming others; but if you apologize for your mistakes, you will learn from them. We need not apologize for the bad actions of others, but it’s an act of compassion to let others know that we are sorry for any suffering or misfortune they are facing.
The Lasting Social Impact of An Effective Apology
Not everyone has the emotional maturity to give a proper apology…yet. However, the more those who do, who are able to model what one looks like, for those who don’t, the more emotionally mature and prevalent effective apologies become; and the more emotionally mature and prevalent that effective apologies become, the more aware and mindful we all become of the things we say and do. This has great value and contributes heartily toward the plight of rousing the moral courage within every human being, through acts of kindness and conviction, to design a more just world that we all deserve to live in. Free yourself by making amends and softening your heart with humility and love through a sincere apology.
This concludes part one. Part two will include three examples of highly effective apologies. Part three will break down the seven steps and how they can lead to healing. Thank you for reading.
Sage Justice is achingly sincere. Balancing wisdom and humor she most often writes deeply personal solution based pieces about the enduring virtues that connect us all: love and healing. She is an award-winning playwright and critically acclaimed performing artist who has appeared on stages from Madison Square Garden in New York City, to The Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Ms. Justice is the author of Sage Words FREEDOM Book One, an activist, a member of the Screen Actors Guild and an alumna Artist-In-Residence of Chateau Orquevaux, France. She is a co-founder of The Unity Project which fuses activism with art, to educate and inspire, with a special emphasis on community engagement to end homelessness. She has a series of short reels about living with the rare genetic disorder, Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome that you can find in a highlight reel on her Instagram page @SageWords2027.