How To Atone
Part three of three in How to Give a Highly Effective, Heartfelt, Honest Apology in Seven Simple Steps
To atone is to right our wrongs by acknowledging our mistake, taking corrective action through amends, and embracing the goal of not repeating the same mistake again (a running theme in this essay). Part one of this series covers the necessity of apology in the process of atonement. Part two gives specific examples of three different apologies. Part three is the comprehensive breakdown of the seven steps that are the most effective and healing. These were created from a mixture of the best psychology has to offer, spiritual practices around the globe (without the necessity for specific religious affiliation or attachment—in other words, accessible for agnostics and atheists as well as religious), and well-earned degrees from the school of hard knocks. To borrow a phrase from 12 step programs, “It works if you work ’em;” and these steps toward atonement work.
Name it.
Apologize with sincerity by naming what you did. Plainly site what you are apologizing for. “I did (fill in the blank).” Really spell it out so that the receiver hears loud and clear that you get what you did, and so that you hear it too and are less likely to make the same mistake twice.
Claim it.
There is powerful transformation that can come from using the word, “wrong.” An effective apology requires that we claim accountability and take ownership of missing the mark. When we state why the action was wrong and how it was wrong, we empower ourselves, as well as offer respectful acknowledgment to the person we hurt. A moral compass only works when it knows where true north is. Being able to humble ourselves enough to admit to being wrong can be as easy as admitting we put the incorrect address into GPS, and that’s why we ended up somewhere other than we intended. It may take practice; but it gets easier with time to say these three very important, corrective words, “I was wrong.”
The reason the specific phrase “I was wrong” is so powerful is because, when we have to actually say the words aloud, it penetrates our center of integrity and the bedrock of our empathy. When we feel the pain of being wrong, we feel a twinge of the pain we caused the person we are apologizing to; and when we feel pain ourselves, we are far more careful to not feel wrong again. When we have the courage to say, “I was wrong,” we tap into the healthy shame we know as conscience. Our bodies and brains light up and take note, and our apology impacts us—the mistake we made has the power to change us for the better. We become far more conscientious about what we say and do, from then on out, when we really take in the weight of the consequences of our actions. We become far less likely to make the same mistake twice, when we fully acknowledge the mistake we made the first time we make it.
Many people interpret the expression, “I was wrong” as “I am wrong; ergo, I am bad.” They don’t believe they’re bad, so they refuse to acknowledge behaving badly. They can’t separate the act of doing from the state of being. They think that as long as their intention wasn’t bad, then their action shouldn’t merit the pain it caused. The experience we have with another isn’t created by intention; it’s created by the actual actions we take. Intentions don’t cause pain; actions do. If we accidentally shoot people, they still feel pain. Regardless of intention, when we wound someone, we hurt them. It doesn’t matter if we were just trying to make a point, if that point unintentionally punctured the heart of another. If we are apologizing for a mistake we made repeatedly, it’s even more important that we stop justifying our behavior as not being wrong just because we didn’t intend it to be.
I knew a stylist who was resentful because she was always apologizing for being late. The minute she was able to acknowledge that it was wrong to expect people to wait up to an hour or more, without informed consent, she took radical responsibility for her actions and communicated with her clients. She went from saying, “I’m sorry for keeping you waiting” to “Thank you for waiting.” She was still late, but her clients were now agreeing to that term for her services; so she no longer had to apologize, and neither she nor her clients were resentful. People were willing to wait because her service was superior. She corrected being wrong by making sure her clients agreed ahead of time that they may have long waits.
If we know that we are not inherently bad, rather just human, being able to say the actual words, “I was wrong,” shouldn’t be difficult. If, however, we can’t admit to being wrong, perhaps it’s because some part of us doesn’t believe we were wrong, which means we have yet to separate our intention from our action. We may not be mature enough to understand the gravity of what it means to be hurt, or to hurt another, and the responsibility required to gain back trust. Stating how it was wrong and why it was wrong helps us to acknowledge our mistakes so that we do not repeat them.
We don’t want to say, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” if our actions were the cause of the hurt feelings. That’s a redirect apology that shifts responsibility from the victimizer to the victimized. To say, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” is apologizing for how they feel, and not for what we have done. If we know a person was hurt by our actions, then we can say, “I know my actions hurt your feelings. I was wrong, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused.” Period. If we truly do not feel we were wrong, we can consider saying, “it was wrong” meaning the behavior, or “I stand corrected.” If we can’t even admit to being wrong for anything, then we can at the very least say, “I could have done better.”
3. Shame it.
“Not all shame is equal or without benefit. There are two primary types of shame: healthy shame and toxic shame, and they both sting. Healthy shame is the emotional reaction to the conscience that can stop a perpetrator from stripping another of their humanity through sexual abuse. Toxic shame is being the victim of sexual abuse and feeling shame for having been victimized. Healthy shame is temporary—a part of the conscience in the decision-making process. It helps us recognize, prevent, and/or make amends for wrongdoing. Toxic shame fails to separate the person from the behavior or abuse, hides under denial, grows in secrecy, and abuses everyone around them, including the self.” *
We can shame our behavior, without shaming ourselves, by saying the words, “I’m sorry. I recognize my mistake. I feel regret, and I have remorse.” In doing so, we demonstrate ownership and transformation. We let go of the shame we carry under the cloak of denial and pride. We allow others to forgive us and, more importantly, for us to forgive ourselves.
I know it isn’t easy to admit when we do something shameful, but all human beings are imperfect and will do things they feel guilty for (or are guilty of). When we share our guilt openly and our shame with a trusted other, we process it, repent, forgive ourselves, ask others to forgive us, and no longer need to carry it; but when we fear the feeling of transient shame that happens in the process of owning guilt, and we reject having to walk through that temporary fire of discomfort, we can end up making a permanent home for shame (consciously or subconsciously) and carrying feelings of guilt long after the person we hurt has healed and moved on. The result of being a shameful person is often a pattern of shameful behavior to reinforce the feeling we hold of ourselves. The best insurance we have against living with shame is the courage to admit it and let it go when it arises. Once we acknowledge our own shame, it no longer follows us like a shadow. We take the power of shame away through ownership, accountability, corrective action, and forgiveness. When we apologize to another, we heal and release toxic shame.
Explain it.
Benjamin Franklin is quoted as saying, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” If we give any reason for what we did, that is not requested, it comes off as an excuse. It’s okay to explain why we made the mistake, but only if we acknowledge that our reason doesn’t justify it. Especially when the mistake was made repeatedly, it becomes more hurtful; therefore, adding more explanations only gives the impression that the mistake will continue to be made as long as we feel we have a valid excuse for it. We must take accountability and acknowledge that we caused hurt and not make an excuse for it. To make an excuse for why we caused the pain will not serve us, as excuses tend to pave the way for repeated patterns of harm. It’s better to acknowledge that our imperfect, human behavior caused another person pain; and we regret that and are committed to righting our wrongs.
Having a reason for making a mistake doesn’t justify it. Being able to find justification for poor behavior doesn’t make a person innocent; it makes them a good salesmen, lawyer, or politician. When we can justify not being “wrong,” despite causing another pain, we will likely be able to justify hurting them again. Therefore, all our deflection and projection techniques merely amount to making our apology a habitual groove we are digging that will lead to countless apologizes down the road. We can choose again and explore the reason why we did something we knew on some level was going to hurt another person and heal that character defect within ourselves. Oftentimes, people hurt others from a place of manipulation or fear of confrontation. When we have the courage to openly and honestly communicate our thoughts and feelings instead of taking hurtful actions, we can act from a place of personal integrity and respect for all concerned. We can hold strong to our boundaries to insure that our needs are being met without harming others in the process.
When we explain through clear communication why we did what we did—as a reason, not as an excuse to justify our behavior—it allows both parties to understand how the mistake was made and invites compassion. An explanation is more necessary for us than for them, as it can provide self-forgiveness in the process. When we know why we thought it was okay to make a bad choice, we are more likely not to make the same bad choice for the same reason again. Explanations give a better understanding and clarity to both parties about how the mishap occurred so that it might be prevented in the future.
An explanation should be brief (unlike this essay)—not a laundry list of all the things we can point to as justification for a lack (or repeated lack) of thoughtful or sensitive consideration. An apology is about the other person and how we harmed them, not about us and why we did it. Take responsibility for what happened and give one bottom line reason like, “I was too absorbed in my own feelings to consider yours” (or whatever the case may be).
People who blame everyone and everything except their own wrongdoing seem to forever have an excuse for why they never change. We have a choice in our actions, and explaining ourselves often helps reveal more choices for better actions. Admitting that we could have made a better choice, and defining what that better choice would have been, dramatically increases the likelihood of being able to make a better choice in the future. Explain it, do not excuse it. Mea culpa.
Tame it.
Demonstrate understanding of how and why we were wrong and what we will do differently to prevent the same mistake from happening again. Have a plan B for what to do in the future. Say the words, “I will not make the same mistake again. If I had a do-over, this is what would I have done differently (fill in the blank—example: ‘been loyal, kept my word, not lied, not betrayed your trust,’ etc.) and next time I will.” If you skip this part, you are essentially planning to make the same mistake again.
Reframe it.
Ask the questions, “What action can I take to help rectify the situation, to make amends?” and “What will it take to move forward?” The intent of these questions is to determine what you need to do to make this person feel you have taken ownership and accountability. What will it take to let them know we understand the depth of the pain caused and to earn their trust again? We can offer a reparation, restitution, or a gesture of time, money, or action to right the wrong, and do it in that moment. We don’t want to say, “I will” and not follow through. We show proper respect by taking care of it immediately.
Gain it.
Ask the question, “Will you please forgive me?” We gain forgiveness by asking for it and offering ourselves forgiveness in the process. If the person is unable to forgive us at this time, we can respectfully accept their decision, forgive ourselves, and move on.
The act of asking for forgiveness is a personal preference that falls under the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. For some, to ask for forgiveness is to further burden the person we are apologizing to, who we have harmed, and are apologizing to with a request they may not feel we deserve. For others, asking for forgiveness is an invitation to the one who was harmed to be unburdened and invite healing, for the act of forgiveness is ultimately for the person who forgives, and not for the person being forgiven, as forgiveness does not equal an invitation to be hurt again.
Forgiveness is the act of letting go of how we wished things had been and moving forward. Forgiveness is not always a black and white statement—a green light to go or a red light of refusal. Sometimes, forgiveness sounds like this, “Apology accepted; access denied.” Meaning, the person forgives you but has also moved past you. They are neither holding a grudge or resentment toward you, nor a place for you to re-enter their lives again. Their boundaries are protecting them from the lack of trust they have in you, so while the bitterness may be healed the sweetness of connection is no longer offered.
An added benefit of asking for forgiveness is having a clear understanding of the status of the relationship. Does it move on as before? Or does it just move on? Part of asking for forgiveness is an opportunity to offer closure and communicate clearly—as the lack of clear communication is often what creates harm in the first place.
When we atone for our mistakes, we heal, and we help to heal others. We repair the damage we caused or created and leave the world a bit better. We clear our conscience, dissolve our shame, forgive ourselves, and are often forgiven by others. Most of all, atonement offers us the opportunity for spiritual evolution, to elevate the quality of our time on this planet by enriching our relationships with humanity and grace. I’ve never regretted giving an apology, but I’ve regretted holding one back.
This concludes part three. Please read part one for the necessity for effective apologies, and part two for examples of effective apologies. Thank you for reading and sharing these words. *Excerpt from “Sage Words FREEDOM Book One.”
Sage Justice is achingly sincere. Balancing wisdom and humor she most often writes deeply personal solution based pieces about the enduring virtues that connect us all: love and healing. She is an award-winning playwright and critically acclaimed performing artist who has appeared on stages from Madison Square Garden in New York City, to The Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Ms. Justice is the author of Sage Words FREEDOM Book One, an activist, a member of the Screen Actors Guild and an alumna Artist-In-Residence of Chateau Orquevaux, France. She is a co-founder of The Unity Project which fuses activism with art, to educate and inspire, with a special emphasis on community engagement to end homelessness. She has a series of short reels about living with the rare genetic disorder, Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome that you can find in a highlight reel on her Instagram page @SageWords2027.