Accountability 101
How We Heal and Create Peace in Our Homes and In The World
A lack of accountability for harm caused is often a promise to harm again.
History unacknowledged is destined to repeat; but when forced to account for our missteps, we rarely make the same mistake twice. Whether we are referring to interpersonal relationship dynamics or the war in the Middle East, as long as each side believes they’re justified in their behavior, nothing will change. It’s no wonder we have wars in the world when too many cannot even find peace within the same family unit, let alone within themselves. The key to peace is radical responsibility—accountability: commitment to our integrity, to keeping our word to ourselves and to others, and behaving with honest and ethical conduct toward others. The ability to be accountable is a cornerstone of trust in all relationships; the inability to be accountable is the crux of most ruin.
An Example of Accountability
An example of being accountable is dropping an egg and simply saying, “I broke an egg.”
Three examples of not being accountable in the same scenario:
1. “I broke an egg; but you broke an egg too, 30 years ago.”
2. “I broke an egg; but it wasn’t my intention to break it beyond repair, so it’s not my fault, and I can’t be held accountable for it.”
3. “I broke an egg because I had a headache, forgot to do my taxes, it was mercury in retrograde, I was distracted by a sporting event, had a hangnail, hoped people would forget about it, had a work deadline, got a call from an old friend, had something stuck in my teeth, had to walk the dog, had to bake a pie, had to walk with socks on a slippery floor, doing the Hokey Pokey as I turned myself about and besides that … it was my right to break the egg.”
Someone who is accountable owns up to their mistakes versus deflecting blame or making excuses. We can't hold others accountable unless we hold ourselves accountable. We teach by example. Keeping with this egg theme, which can be a metaphor for our heart, our trust, or the freedom of a country, etc., here’s what accountability might look like: “I broke the egg. Please accept my apology. I know you’re disappointed because you planned to use that egg. I’ve inconvenienced you (or hurt you, as the case may be), and I’m sorry. I’ve bought a new carton of eggs to make up for the one I broke. Will you please forgive me?”
How to Hold Others Accountable
Ask them, “Can you be accountable for this situation? What part is yours? What could you have done differently? What would you do differently next time?” Demonstrate by using yourself, for example, you might say, “I left my eggs in a place of vulnerability where they were easy to break, I could have placed them in a clear container, so you saw exactly what was in the container before you moved it.” In order to have healthy, honest, functioning relationships, we must ask people to be accountable; and we must set boundaries with them, if they can’t.
We can get curious and ask questions like, “If you believe in this, then why did you choose to do that? If you cared about the egg, believed the egg was fragile, why did you toss it across the room?”
If it’s really just an egg, or a material possession, we might just say, “Accidents happen—lets learn what we can and move on,” as described in the piece I wrote entitled “Broken.”
However, when it comes to causing another harm, that response can be an indication to cause harm again by claiming “human imperfection” as a defense in order to not take accountability. We must forgive human imperfection and also expect accountability.
When a Person Refuses to Take Accountability
There are three actions we can choose when dealing with people who can’t be accountable:
1. Overlook it
2. Get a mediator
3. Walk away
Overlook: The bottom line is that if we overlook it once, we will likely have to overlook it again and again. After a person shows us that they are incapable of being accountable, we can notice a pattern if it happens twice, and realize we are an accomplice to our own pain if it happens three times.
Get a Mediator: We can get a mediator involved, but people don’t generally take accountability until it serves them to do so; and many people, especially those with privileged lives, are not necessarily served by the humility necessary to be accountable. Sometimes a third-party mediator (therapist, family, or friend) can help someone learn to be accountable, but it’s really an insider job. Either people can humble themselves and their pride enough to admit fault and take ownership for their behavior or they can’t.
Walk Away: Finally, we can walk away, because we decide that a lack of accountability is a deal breaker for us, because too many broken eggs create a life of walking on eggshells. Sure-footed people have self-respect. They walk confidently in environments with people they can trust to be accountable, namely themselves.
Eventually, someone who cannot take accountability finds themselves surrounded by people pleasers, who are bound by golden handcuffs, a series of shallow relationships, or alone. In contrast, those who have accountable relationships feel a greater sense of security, connection, and joy.
Grey Rock Tactics
Walking away from someone who is incapable of being held accountable doesn’t mean we leave their lives completely; it means, as stated in Sage Words FREEDOM Book One, that we create distance and move them from the orchestra seats to the nosebleed section of our lives. We communicate à la grey rock style: becoming as boring as a grey rock to the person who is incapable of taking accountability, so that they lose interest in us and move on or are rendered virtually insignificant in our lives. If it’s a family situation where we can’t, or choose not to, walk away completely, it’s keeping all engagement basic with short, often one-word answers like, “got it,” “okay,” and “bye.”
Some people take this to an inauthentic, calculated level that I’m personally uncomfortable with. A level that feels like less of a function for dealing with dysfunction and more of a tactic to manipulate: they intentionally wait weeks before replying to a text, email, or phone call, or purposefully make themselves less vulnerable and more guarded during any exchange. This verges on cat and mouse game playing, which I find to be a senseless waste of one’s time. I prefer the authenticity of telling people exactly what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I use radical candor to communicate—caring personally while challenging directly.
Setting a Boundary
We can let people know that unless and until they can be accountable, and create healing through repair, our ability to engage with them will be limited. This is not punishment; it’s protection. Have we not all been taught, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me?” Why are we riding on the back of a scorpion who has already promised and proven that it stings?
When we meet someone who is not capable of being accountable, we can look to their privilege to understand where its coming from and how they get away with not being accountable so that we don’t make the same mistake twice. Accountability is a form of respect. Without it, we lose trust and reciprocity. Our ability to respect others begins with our ability to respect ourselves first.
An example of a boundary might sound like this: “I really love you, and I have found that your words do not match your actions, and that has damaged my trust in you and our relationship in general. Therefore, from here on out, I will only be responding to what you do, not what you say you will do. Our relationship is being reduced to the most basic level. It has the potential to grow into a beautiful, flowering tree with the nurturing care of trust that comes from having integrity and taking accountability, or it can remain a small plant we keep outside on the porch—it all depends on your actions, not your words.”
Honest Communication
If people feel offended or threatened by our radical candor, maybe they are not our people. However, I can guarantee you, based on how I have chosen to live my life, that honest communication is usually rewarded with honest relationships. The people in my life, who I am closest to, appreciate radical candor and use it to communicate with me as well; and I’m truly grateful for it. I love boundaries. I like knowing where I stand with someone, even if we stand on opposite sides of the fence socially, politically, or spiritually.
I don’t have to agree with someone to love them; I just want to know who they really are behind the social mask they wear and have honest communication when we engage; to know I can trust them to mean what they say and say what they mean—which is, to trust them to act with integrity.
Don’t be bullied by a false understanding of decorum and civility. As the InstituteForCivility.org writes, “Traditional applications of civility that emphasize manners and behavior over meaningful engagement and shared understanding have led us to a fatal misunderstanding of how to resolve our differences. Forced politeness that conceals authentic human feeling only fosters resentment and drives agendas underground.”
Remember—
*Expecting direct answers to direct questions, that involve us personally, is a reasonable expectation.*
*Honesty is not confrontation; it’s a form of communication that saves time and helps maintain accountability in relationships.*
*Natural consequences aren’t punishments.*
*Boundaries aren’t bitterness or the act of holding a grudge, they are acts of love toward the self and ultimately all those concerned.*
Communication Styles
Sometimes relationships end not because the people are incompatible but because their communication styles are incompatible. Your directness might be off-putting to their passive-aggression. If they expect you to read between the lines of everything they say, they might project that same expectation onto you and create content and meaning from your words that simply does not exist between the lines of what you say. They may interpret your sincerity as sarcasm and your direct communication may be treated as confrontation. Sometimes, we can’t win for losing—unless and until we all collectively embrace honest communication, because a decorated lie, is still a lie.
Truth does not have to be aggressive, perceptions make it so. It’s possible to maintain gentle diplomacy with radical candor; but it takes prioritizing honesty above “polite lies,” and that can take some people a lifetime to learn or unlearn as the case may be. We are born honest, we are taught to lie in the name of keeping the peace; and it’s the lies which actually create the wars and destroy our peace. Take heed to not hold too tightly to the “polite lies” when a kind truth may be the key to creating understanding.
Just because someone believes their way of doing things is right for them, doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone, or morally right for anyone. We can honor differences while maintaining our integrity. We do not need to make ourselves less than in order to make others feel equal to. It’s a simple fact that if we continually find ourselves being the bigger person, we will grow tired of being around those who are comfortable remaining small.
We can protect our vulnerabilities with boundaries (a container to hold the eggs), while letting people know exactly who we are (fragile eggs in transparent containers). In this way, we remain true to ourselves and inspire others to do the same. In other words, we offer unconditional love but not unconditional access. We don’t have to clap back when we can simply delete and move on.
What Accountability Looks Like in Action
My best buddy has diabetes. We were meeting with a group of people, and there was a miscommunication as to when we would be eating. Anyone who knows about insulin dependent diabetes knows the importance of eating at specific times. His blood sugar dropped too low; and as a result, he had an unreasonable hangry rage. We all understood what was happening when it happened and did what we needed to in order to help him (“Feed me Seymour!”), while protecting ourselves with boundaries and not engaging when we knew he was emotionally compromised. The next day he explained what happened and apologized to everyone.
No one is perfect, but he didn’t use that as an excuse to not take accountability. We all forgave him immediately, and we moved on. Now, had he blamed us instead of his blood sugar, or done this repeatedly, and had he not taken accountability, it might have been an issue for his friends who could have become less forgiving; but it’s an act of grace, mercy, and kindness to forgive, especially when a person takes responsibility.
Those who find it a challenge to be accountable will blame everyone and everything but themselves.
A Mistake I Had To Be Accountable For
I was recently in a position where I too had to humble myself and take accountability. I was at a Halloween display with a loved one. I thought I would be playful and say "boo!" while I gently grabbed her waist whilst she was looking at something scary. I knew she had a high startle response, and I considered that; but in my mind, I thought she would know it was me, and it would be worth the laughter it would incite. I was wrong. It was not. Instead, it made her feel betrayed because she knew that I knew she did not like to be frightened. She was right. I knew better. In my mind, I knew I this could happen; but I was hoping it wouldn't. (That was my first mistake—trying to change reality based on a desire, in the face of contrary facts I didn’t like.) I was hoping to make her laugh; instead, my actions made her cry. I felt terrible. I apologized and listened to her with empathy about how I not only startled her physically but also how it left her feeling for the rest of the night: tense, vigilant, and less safe. I took accountability and told her that if I had it to do over again, I would have resisted the temptation to indulge in Halloween fright because I value the trust she places in me. I used the seven steps for an effective apology as my guide for accountability, which you can read more about here.
It may seem like overkill to apologize in depth for something so seemingly benign until we realize we are not apologizing for a specific behavior as much as we are apologizing for damaging trust.
1. (Name it) I intentionally frightened you for fun when I knew you disliked that.
2. (Claim it) It was wrong to behave this way. I knew better. I shouldn’t have.
3. (Shame it) I know my actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for the pain I caused. I recognize my mistake. I feel regret, and I have remorse because I see that it hurt your trust in me. I feel really bad for the residual outcome of my actions.
4. (Explain it) I was too absorbed in my own feelings of playfulness and desire to make you laugh. I didn’t consider how much it could backfire.
5. (Tame it) I will not make the same mistake again. If I had a do-over, I would have resisted the temptation to pull that Halloween prank; and next time I will.
6. (Reframe it) What action can I take to help rectify the situation, to offer repair, to make amends?
7. (Gain it) Will you please forgive me?
These are examples of minor offenses, but the same rules of engagement for accountability apply whether it’s in a relationship with someone we love, or in creating peace and reparations in times of war.
Accountable People Exist
It starts with maturity.
We have a choice in deciding who we choose to share our lives with. If we start with a base line of choosing people who are mature, have integrity, character, a moral compass and standards of ethics by which they live by, then accountability often takes care of itself (as long as shame, pride, and arrested emotional development don’t get in the way).
It’s important to remember that there are people who do the work of being accountable—the more accountable we become and expect others to rise up, the more we will find the people we can count on who do the same. I promise you, there are people, many wonderful people in the world, who know how to take accountability. I know because I’m lucky enough to share my home with two such people and my heart with many more who have shown an ability to be accountable. I have found that the more I become that which I seek, the more that which I seek, seeks me. However, if we do not demand more accountability from ourselves and others, then the world will never change.
It’s our moral obligation to expect people to take responsibility for their actions, to spread and share these tools with everyone we know. When we demonstrate accountability in action, we teach the entire world what accountability looks like; and we create peace in our hearts, in our homes, and in our world.
Accountable people are emotionally mature, they don’t blame others and they don’t need to be asked to take accountability, they just do it. They make wonderful relationships built on a bedrock of trust which inspires a depth of connection leading to the relaxed freedom of laughter, fun, and play. This is the heart of a fulfilling relationship; and second only to our health, nothing matters as much in life as the relationships we build with ourselves and others—which require the skill of accountability.
Relationships built around honesty and direct communication have a gentle ease to them where love flows because trust is only obstructed in the presence of something hidden and not accounted for.
Without Accountability Relationships Remain Dysfunctional or Come to an End
There are some relationships that remain surface level and dysfunctional because they lack maturity and respect. People who have the privilege of entitlement often prefer polite pleasentries over relationships of depth that require the courage of accountability.
In, He Broke My Trust: Repair, Boundaries, and Forgiveness, we read an excerpt of the story Pratfall From Grace which covers this very scenario. It introduces the concept of repair in broken relationships and the natural consequences without it.
We mend our wounds by entering with a repair kit, not a shield and weapon. Accountability is the first step in repair.
Sage Justice © 2022, 2025 www.SageWords.org This concept/theory/poem is original to Sage Justice. If you use it, please give credit and link to original work. Thank you.
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